How many conversations have you had that deteriorated to (a version of) “Yes, it is!” “No, it isn’t!” ? Even with people in our own team – you all have the same goals and you all have the same targets and ought to see the world in the same way. Not true.
Some wants to reduce cost, some wants to build more business. Some thinks the team-building weekend is great, some think it’s a waste of time. Some believe that the ball is blue, some claim it is red.
How is it that we look at exactly the same, and we see completely different realities?
We are all different. Reality is not what IT is, reality is what YOU are. It is subjective.
We all have a different “Frame Of Reference”. All I know is that my frame of reference (FoR) is different from yours. I have a different set of beliefs, values, needs, education, culture (family, company or national culture) than you have. I have different MBTI or OPQ profile, different religion and different experiences. You can continue this list.
Everything that fits in my frame of reference is good. It feels comfortable and I see the benefit and it feels right. Anything that’s outside my FoR is not good, it’s bad or alien or scary or not easy to understand and it feels wrong. Or I don’t even see it at all!
So how can we work together? Collaborate and co-create? When my world is different from yours?
We need to find overlaps in our frames of reference. In every conversation I have an opportunity to understand what goes on in your FoR. Not to convince or win but to understand. Be interested before interesting.
Unless I understand what goes on in your frame of reference and WHY you have the opinion that you have, it’s going to be very hard to collaborate with you.
Listen to understand.
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